Friday Funny – An organic alternative to the chainsaw

Groundhog-Woodchuck
Woodchuck, Groundhog, Chainsaw Alternative

Sure, the internal combustion engine is certainly the “bees-knees” when it comes to spinning a chainsaw blade, but there is still a lot to be said for going “old school” and here at Lawnmowerpros.com, we take the environment and stuff real serious.

So let’s take a moment to explore wood cutting retro style! That’s right! It was good enough for Noah, John Wayne and my Uncle Leo; and it’s good enough for us. I’m talking about getting the job done right; with a little sweat of the brow and a hungry Wood Chuck!

SAFETY FIRST

Before using any piece of equipment, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the basic do’s and don’ts of wood-chuckery.

  • Be patient and know the equipment’s limitations. Bottom line is, wood chucks is a proud people. They’ll never admit they can’t do it so be prepared for a lot of trial and error. Keep a lot of smelling salts and Cheez-it’s on hand. It’s the only voice of reason they listen to! And remember…don’t let em get in your head. They start jabbering about personal stuff, a pinch on the ear’ll shut em up!

  • Standard eye, face, lip, nose, and armpit protection are not enough when operating a “chuck”. They’re real crafty, and they know all your weaknesses because they’re watching. Oh yeah, they’re watching closely. Neck protection, firm athletic support and copious amounts of bubble wrap can help, but if you can get your hands on an entire set of plate mail from the local museum or one of those nerdy, dungeons and dragons groups; then do so. You’ll thank yourself later.

  • Never operate a wood chuck in a confined space or alone. That’s right where they want you. In fact, don’t go into any closets or even get in a car with them. Remember, its your word against them and they’re cute and furry. You won’t stand a chance.

  • Drinking and cutting don’t mix! Never operate a woodchuck while intoxicated or hyped up on Redbull. They’re a mean drunk.

  • Woodchucks can smell fear. Colors too! I know, it’s crazy but they can! So use lot’s of deodorant and dress in neutral or earth tones.

  • Never operate a wood chuck with children present. The woodchuck will eat them. Duh!

HOW TO PRIME THE ENGINE-

Let’s face it folks…these little guys bite. And if you’re unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of “chuck-rage”, then you know that once the teeth start flying…they won’t stop until they’ve glutted themselves on fear and succulent human flesh! So what better way to lull your Wood chuck into a productive mood than with a living, breathing, squirming victim. And when you need human bait, who ya gonna call? That’s right…lawnmowerpros.com. With a Genuine Cold Steel 89VA Viking Axe and a lukewarm sandwich, you’ll be stuffing that little guy with quality vittles in no time.

PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE-

  • You can’t house break a “chuck”, and that’s a fact. Sure, sometimes you can train them to fetch the remote or scavenge the neighborhood for loose change or perhaps small children; but when it comes to keeping them running at peak performance there’s really only one way- Cap’n Chubby’s premium Whistle-Pig Num Num’s. Ethanol free and chock full of “bacony” goodness, they’ll keep your land-beaver humming like Dean Martin on a bender.

  • It is common knowledge that the Marmot monax (that’s French for Wood chuck) can not operate at peak performance while submerged in water, and in fact will flood out after about 45 seconds. And by flood out, I mean bog down. And by bog down, I mean “marmotte très mort” (that’s French for you killed it).

  • What may be surprising to the layman is the calming effect that Neil Diamond’s “Forever in Blue Jeans” has on the little buggers. That or “Song sung blue”… really anything released before ’68 when he signed on with MCA. Frankly, after that, it’s been one compromise after another. “Girl, you’ll be a woman soon” drives them little fellers into a lovin’ frenzy. You play that and you’ll get nothing done for days! Wood chuck’s is funny that way.

  • A clean air filter is essential to extending your engine’s life and Lawnmowerpros.com offers a full line of high quality air filters at competitive prices. Woodchucks, however ain’t got no air filter so don’t try to install one. Believe me, it’s not a good thing. You’ll traumatize the little guy something fierce. Plus, I’m pretty sure that kind of stuff’s illegal in most states, except certain places in the South (Sorry Tennessee).

CHUCKING WOOD IS TOUGH WORK

CWCRB (California Wood Chuck Regulatory Board) rates the average woodchuck for at least 300 lbs of chucking per day. That’s a heck of a lot of chuck when you consider that underneath all the bravado and macho posturing,  they’re really just furry little guys… with little bitty arms. I mean, the mechanics of the act alone are mind boggling!

Plus, if you could do it, you wouldn’t need a wood chuck in the first place! So don’t judge…is all I’m saying.

So…

With a little awareness and a generous amount of TLC (Transient, Lettuce, and Cheez-its), your wood chuck should provide you with many hours of consistent, enjoyable chucking.

“Happy Chucking”!

-Bill

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Bill Brown

Bill Brown

Bill is the head of content creation for the LawnMowerPros Blog and DIY section. He’s been in the Outdoor Power Equipment Industry for years and he’s still learning new things everyday. You can often find him creating featured articles, DIY guides, videos, graphics and much more.